The KU Incident
Chapter 2
After settling in with my new mates in MILAN platoon and getting used to a new routine things started to get 'boring'.
There was the usual training and exercises; but what I was getting bored with was what we were doing in our 'own' time. Usually a few mates and I would head to down town Paderborn most nights, have a few beers, grab something to eat and head back to camp. This was all well and dandy but we felt we should be doing something more and making the most of our posting in Germany.
One day, just before pay, John (Mercer) out of the blue came up with a most excellent idea!
John had discovered that there was a large set of discos in Europe and a few were in Germany. The disco he had in mind was called The Ku and was in Lippstadt. Lippstadt is to the west of Paderborn and was within very expensive taxi journey range. A plan was therefore hatched...
They say a fool and his money are easily parted; well we had a plan to relieve ourselves of our monthly pay over one weekend.
Stage 1) Friday night after work, shit, shower, shampoo and 'drink' a bottle of Kouros aftershave to make us irresistible to the female kind...
Stage 2) Go to the bank (the day we were paid), remove all money from bank account.
Stage 3) Get dressed in our best clubbing gear.
Stage 4) Find a taxi that will take us all the way to Lippstadt.
Stage 5) Enter The Ku and remain inside until all money spent.
Stage 6) Return to Paderborn penniless but happy.
If my memory serves I don't think the original plan was that detailed; but it's a fair facsimile of the intent. By the time D (disco) Day arrived only John and myself were left still planning on going ahead with the plan.
Stages 1, 2 and 3 were completed without incident.
Stage 4 was a little more difficult and in the end I had to persuade taxi driver number 7 or 8 we had the money to pay for the trip by handing over a large down payment and then away we went.
A few previously undisclosed details were then revealed.
"Did I mention that British Soldiers are banned from The Ku?", said John.
"What", said I?
"Oh yeah, we're all banned, too much trouble caused by our lot", John went on.
"Well, why are we going then, Baron Vladimir Harkonen?", I asked.
"Metty, you know I prefer to be called the 'floating fat man'", John coolly added.
At this point I need to explain that in our opinion John was a little 'chunky', and as Dune was a popular video to watch at that time we gave him a character's name as one of his nicknames. John seemed well pleased!!
Anyway, back to the taxi.
"But relax, I've got a full proof plan to get us in", continued John.
"Okay, I'm listening", said I not entirely convinced.
"Well, I've got a brilliant American accent so I'll talk our way in,", John smiled. "Just keep your mouth shut and let me do all the talking. We are getting in for sure". John turned and looked out of the window.
Now, I had not heard John use this talent before but I had no reason to doubt him so I settled in for the journey.
A long time later we arrived outside The Ku. I paid the driver for the rest of the 'fare' and we joined the queue to get in.
"How much was the fare?", John asked.
"100 marks", I informed him (can't remember the exact amount but it was a lot of cash).
John counted out a wad of cash and put it in another pocket. "So I don't spend it", he informed me.
Every few paces I saw a sign stating 'NO ENGLISH' or 'BRITISH SERVICE PERSONNEL NOT ALLOWED ENTRY'. John just smiled and winked. I then realised that we looked very much like British Service Personnel dressed in our best pulling clothes.
"John are you sure we'll get in"?, I asked.
John just raised his eyebrows and proceeded to start dancing as the queue moved forward.
At last we rounded a corner and my heart sank. In front of us two very large, very black Americans were acting as the bouncers. Some people were getting turned away. No one argued with them.
"Not a word Metty", John whispered.
"We're Yanks," John said in a very loud, very broad Northern English accent. I just about died.
The first of the 10 foot tall, black American bouncers burst out laughing. I died a bit more.
"So, are you going to let us in Bro," John continued in an even stronger Northern English accent? I swear John's normal accent wasn't this thick.
"Because you made me laugh, Brit, I'll let you both in", 'Godzilla' said. "But any trouble at all and me and my mates will find you and beat you up before we throw you out".
"Fair enough," John said, and walked inside. I floated past 'the Twin Towers' hardly able to believe what had just happened.
"What the fucking hell was that", I said laughing.
"Said I had a brilliant American accent", John said sounding a little indignant.
While we continued to argue about John's ability to pass himself off as an American we explored the disco. There were multiple dance floors, restaurants and bars. Different areas played different styles of music. All were packed and we guessed there would have been several thousand people inside at this stage with room for a lot more.
After an unknown amount of beers and time we became hungry.
"I'm starving. Let's get some pizza", I announced.
"Sweet", John slurred.
We staggered around and after an age found the pizzeria (still inside The Ku). Two slices of pizza were ordered, paid for, and handed over.
Now, with our beer afflicted brains we had a few issues:
1: Normally we ate pizza with a knife and fork.
2: There were no knives and forks handed out.
3 : The smell of the food made us both even hungrier.
I looked around and noticed that the other 'customers' folded the pizza in half from the edge to the centre and ate it that way. I copied them and was soon enjoying my slice. John had not noticed this and simply picked up his slice. It bent like a wet piece of paper and before John had a chance to put his mouth in the way, the topping slid off and landed on the floor.
I looked at John and then at his pizza topping. John looked at his pizza topping and then at me. "This is really good, John", I spluttered out.
John calmly bent over and picked the topping up off the ground. After flicking off the worst of the dirt and carpet fibres of the topping he placed it back on to the bare pizza base. Just before he attempted to try eating it again he stopped. I thought he was just kidding and was going to throw it away, but no. He rolled the pizza up and started eating it.
"You're right, this is bloody brill", John said.
After washing our hands we bought a few more beers.
"Time for a dance", John said. "Let's find a place to shake our stuff".
By now the place was packed and we couldn't get near the main dance floor.
"Over there", I said pointing to a space on a raised platform.
We circled around and managed to get onto the 'stage'. Placing the beers at our feet we let rip.
I remember that Sigue Sigue Sputnik was playing live. As I danced around I noticed that other people were also up on the 'stage' dancing. I didn't think too much about what was going on and got back to making a fool out of myself.
The song finished and the crowd burst into applause. John nudged me and I then realised that we'd gate-crashed a dancing competition up on the stage. The other dancers had numbers pinned on their tops and were looking at John and me in disgust. The band was also glaring at us! The crowd, however, appeared to love us, some cheering and others bowing towards us. John picked up his beer took a long deep drink and then bowed to the 'fans', at which point he fell head first into the crowd. I collapsed in laughter while seconds later John popped back up on to his feet.
"Didn't spill a drop", he proudly said shaking his bottle at me.
"Let's find a hiding place before we get kicked out", I said. I jumped down from the stage and as we staggered away people patted us on our backs.
A long time later, after another unknown amount of beer had been drunk, we were penniless.
"Time to go, Metty", John declared.
"Yep", was the only thing I could muster. I was dog tired.
Outside it was daylight. John found a taxi and as soon as I was inside I fell asleep.
"Wake up. We've got a problem", John said shaking me.
"Eh", I dozily replied
"I've lost the taxi money. We're going to have to make a run for it", he said.
"Bollocks mate, I can't run I'm stuffed", I exclaimed.
At some point during this exchange the taxi driver locked the rear doors.
"Shit Metty, wind your window down and at the next lights jump out", John instructed.
"John, I'm in no state to do a runner", I argued. "When we get to camp just go to the guard room and explain what happened".
"No way", John stated. "I'll have to pay them back. C'mon here's a red light".
With that John used the electric window switch and put down his window.
Buzz.... the taxi driver put the window back up as John had his head sticking out.
Buzz.... John sent it back down.
Buzz....the taxi driver sent it back up.
Buzz.... John sent it back down.
Every time we approached a traffic light John tried the door. Every time the taxi driver saw we were coming to a light he slowed down but never came to a complete stop. I was wide awake now and fascinated by the game of 'chess' being played out between John and the taxi driver. Buzz up, buzz down, buzz up, buzz down, and the rattle of the door handle as John tried again and again to get out of the cab.
For 15 or 20 minutes this battle continued, but at last John gave up as we came to our camp's main gate. I got out my Identity Card as we pulled up. John reached into his front pocket and pulled out his ID card. As he did so a large wad of cash fell out as well.
"That's where I hid it", John said whereupon he paid the taxi driver.
For weeks afterwards we both got beers paid for by people eager to hear our story about our adventure which became known as The Ku Incident.
Chapter 2
After settling in with my new mates in MILAN platoon and getting used to a new routine things started to get 'boring'.
There was the usual training and exercises; but what I was getting bored with was what we were doing in our 'own' time. Usually a few mates and I would head to down town Paderborn most nights, have a few beers, grab something to eat and head back to camp. This was all well and dandy but we felt we should be doing something more and making the most of our posting in Germany.
One day, just before pay, John (Mercer) out of the blue came up with a most excellent idea!
John had discovered that there was a large set of discos in Europe and a few were in Germany. The disco he had in mind was called The Ku and was in Lippstadt. Lippstadt is to the west of Paderborn and was within very expensive taxi journey range. A plan was therefore hatched...
They say a fool and his money are easily parted; well we had a plan to relieve ourselves of our monthly pay over one weekend.
Stage 1) Friday night after work, shit, shower, shampoo and 'drink' a bottle of Kouros aftershave to make us irresistible to the female kind...
Stage 2) Go to the bank (the day we were paid), remove all money from bank account.
Stage 3) Get dressed in our best clubbing gear.
Stage 4) Find a taxi that will take us all the way to Lippstadt.
Stage 5) Enter The Ku and remain inside until all money spent.
Stage 6) Return to Paderborn penniless but happy.
If my memory serves I don't think the original plan was that detailed; but it's a fair facsimile of the intent. By the time D (disco) Day arrived only John and myself were left still planning on going ahead with the plan.
Stages 1, 2 and 3 were completed without incident.
Stage 4 was a little more difficult and in the end I had to persuade taxi driver number 7 or 8 we had the money to pay for the trip by handing over a large down payment and then away we went.
A few previously undisclosed details were then revealed.
"Did I mention that British Soldiers are banned from The Ku?", said John.
"What", said I?
"Oh yeah, we're all banned, too much trouble caused by our lot", John went on.
"Well, why are we going then, Baron Vladimir Harkonen?", I asked.
"Metty, you know I prefer to be called the 'floating fat man'", John coolly added.
At this point I need to explain that in our opinion John was a little 'chunky', and as Dune was a popular video to watch at that time we gave him a character's name as one of his nicknames. John seemed well pleased!!
Anyway, back to the taxi.
"But relax, I've got a full proof plan to get us in", continued John.
"Okay, I'm listening", said I not entirely convinced.
"Well, I've got a brilliant American accent so I'll talk our way in,", John smiled. "Just keep your mouth shut and let me do all the talking. We are getting in for sure". John turned and looked out of the window.
Now, I had not heard John use this talent before but I had no reason to doubt him so I settled in for the journey.
A long time later we arrived outside The Ku. I paid the driver for the rest of the 'fare' and we joined the queue to get in.
"How much was the fare?", John asked.
"100 marks", I informed him (can't remember the exact amount but it was a lot of cash).
John counted out a wad of cash and put it in another pocket. "So I don't spend it", he informed me.
Every few paces I saw a sign stating 'NO ENGLISH' or 'BRITISH SERVICE PERSONNEL NOT ALLOWED ENTRY'. John just smiled and winked. I then realised that we looked very much like British Service Personnel dressed in our best pulling clothes.
"John are you sure we'll get in"?, I asked.
John just raised his eyebrows and proceeded to start dancing as the queue moved forward.
At last we rounded a corner and my heart sank. In front of us two very large, very black Americans were acting as the bouncers. Some people were getting turned away. No one argued with them.
"Not a word Metty", John whispered.
"We're Yanks," John said in a very loud, very broad Northern English accent. I just about died.
The first of the 10 foot tall, black American bouncers burst out laughing. I died a bit more.
"So, are you going to let us in Bro," John continued in an even stronger Northern English accent? I swear John's normal accent wasn't this thick.
"Because you made me laugh, Brit, I'll let you both in", 'Godzilla' said. "But any trouble at all and me and my mates will find you and beat you up before we throw you out".
"Fair enough," John said, and walked inside. I floated past 'the Twin Towers' hardly able to believe what had just happened.
"What the fucking hell was that", I said laughing.
"Said I had a brilliant American accent", John said sounding a little indignant.
While we continued to argue about John's ability to pass himself off as an American we explored the disco. There were multiple dance floors, restaurants and bars. Different areas played different styles of music. All were packed and we guessed there would have been several thousand people inside at this stage with room for a lot more.
After an unknown amount of beers and time we became hungry.
"I'm starving. Let's get some pizza", I announced.
"Sweet", John slurred.
We staggered around and after an age found the pizzeria (still inside The Ku). Two slices of pizza were ordered, paid for, and handed over.
Now, with our beer afflicted brains we had a few issues:
1: Normally we ate pizza with a knife and fork.
2: There were no knives and forks handed out.
3 : The smell of the food made us both even hungrier.
I looked around and noticed that the other 'customers' folded the pizza in half from the edge to the centre and ate it that way. I copied them and was soon enjoying my slice. John had not noticed this and simply picked up his slice. It bent like a wet piece of paper and before John had a chance to put his mouth in the way, the topping slid off and landed on the floor.
I looked at John and then at his pizza topping. John looked at his pizza topping and then at me. "This is really good, John", I spluttered out.
John calmly bent over and picked the topping up off the ground. After flicking off the worst of the dirt and carpet fibres of the topping he placed it back on to the bare pizza base. Just before he attempted to try eating it again he stopped. I thought he was just kidding and was going to throw it away, but no. He rolled the pizza up and started eating it.
"You're right, this is bloody brill", John said.
After washing our hands we bought a few more beers.
"Time for a dance", John said. "Let's find a place to shake our stuff".
By now the place was packed and we couldn't get near the main dance floor.
"Over there", I said pointing to a space on a raised platform.
We circled around and managed to get onto the 'stage'. Placing the beers at our feet we let rip.
I remember that Sigue Sigue Sputnik was playing live. As I danced around I noticed that other people were also up on the 'stage' dancing. I didn't think too much about what was going on and got back to making a fool out of myself.
The song finished and the crowd burst into applause. John nudged me and I then realised that we'd gate-crashed a dancing competition up on the stage. The other dancers had numbers pinned on their tops and were looking at John and me in disgust. The band was also glaring at us! The crowd, however, appeared to love us, some cheering and others bowing towards us. John picked up his beer took a long deep drink and then bowed to the 'fans', at which point he fell head first into the crowd. I collapsed in laughter while seconds later John popped back up on to his feet.
"Didn't spill a drop", he proudly said shaking his bottle at me.
"Let's find a hiding place before we get kicked out", I said. I jumped down from the stage and as we staggered away people patted us on our backs.
A long time later, after another unknown amount of beer had been drunk, we were penniless.
"Time to go, Metty", John declared.
"Yep", was the only thing I could muster. I was dog tired.
Outside it was daylight. John found a taxi and as soon as I was inside I fell asleep.
"Wake up. We've got a problem", John said shaking me.
"Eh", I dozily replied
"I've lost the taxi money. We're going to have to make a run for it", he said.
"Bollocks mate, I can't run I'm stuffed", I exclaimed.
At some point during this exchange the taxi driver locked the rear doors.
"Shit Metty, wind your window down and at the next lights jump out", John instructed.
"John, I'm in no state to do a runner", I argued. "When we get to camp just go to the guard room and explain what happened".
"No way", John stated. "I'll have to pay them back. C'mon here's a red light".
With that John used the electric window switch and put down his window.
Buzz.... the taxi driver put the window back up as John had his head sticking out.
Buzz.... John sent it back down.
Buzz....the taxi driver sent it back up.
Buzz.... John sent it back down.
Every time we approached a traffic light John tried the door. Every time the taxi driver saw we were coming to a light he slowed down but never came to a complete stop. I was wide awake now and fascinated by the game of 'chess' being played out between John and the taxi driver. Buzz up, buzz down, buzz up, buzz down, and the rattle of the door handle as John tried again and again to get out of the cab.
For 15 or 20 minutes this battle continued, but at last John gave up as we came to our camp's main gate. I got out my Identity Card as we pulled up. John reached into his front pocket and pulled out his ID card. As he did so a large wad of cash fell out as well.
"That's where I hid it", John said whereupon he paid the taxi driver.
For weeks afterwards we both got beers paid for by people eager to hear our story about our adventure which became known as The Ku Incident.
John on the left and me. It had been said that there are five planks in this picture......
